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On my own

Today there are no volunteers. This is the week of phasing them out — I just have a few people coming here and there for an hour or two.

My goals for today are:

  • Do Amy’s laundry (check)
  • Make bread to go with the soup Margaret made for us (check)
  • Either do my Pilates video or take Amy for a walk in the sling (check)
  • Eat lunch (a peanut butter sandwich, a banana, a carrot, and yogurt with raspberries) (check)
  • Reschedule the pediatrician appointment because of our Indiana trip (check)
  • Be kind and patient with myself and with Amy, taking timeouts as necessary (check)


Edited to add:

It’s now 2:45. Amy has been asleep since about 12:30 and will likely wake up soon. Meanwhile here’s what’s happened so far:

While she was still asleep I put on a dulcimer CD, had my morning online time, then moved things around in the living room so I’d have enough space to exercise. I also called the pediatrician and rescheduled Amy’s appointment.

She woke around 10:30. Changed and fed. I put her in the sling to carry her into the kitchen to prepare her bottle, and put her in it again after feeding — we walked around (inside) a bit, took pictures, and went downstairs to put her laundry in the dryer.

Back upstairs, we both had gym time: she lay on her playmat while I did most of my Pilates video, although she seemed more interested in watching my movements than batting at her toys. She started getting sleepy; fell asleep on the playmat but kept hitting the arch when those arms would flail, so I tried to move her onto a quilt, but being moved woke her up. We tried the swing next, and that’s where she’s been since.

This half-dozing trying to get to sleep thing has been the most tense part of the day so far, and it wasn’t that bad.

While she slept I put the ingredients in the bread machine, made and ate lunch (except the yogurt; maybe later), sat with the kitty and a book, folded the laundry, put out a book, a toy, a blanket, and my recorder on the bed for Amy’s next awake time, formed and baked the rolls, edited and posted the sling pictures, and here I am just waiting for her to wake up.

It’s already 3:00; only an hour and a half until Mark gets home, and all my goals are accomplished.

What, are the pills suddenly working? I don’t even remember if I took a morning Ativan or not.

I dare not expect too positive a late afternoon and evening after such a nice day so far… I dare not expect anything positive in general. Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.

Crisis averted?

I felt tense this afternoon. I got to lie down for a while, then I made dinner, which was exhausting. Then I could tell that Mark was getting a little frustrated and tired — he’d been with Amy most of the day, and was trying to watch the playoffs, and she kept not sleeping much, or losing her pacifier and then wanting it again (she sucks on her hands now a little, but that kind of sucking is different than what she needs to do to keep a pacifier in her mouth)…

I started to get anxious. But… I sat by her bouncy seat to eat my dinner and talk to her and keep replacing the pacifier, and then when she cried harder I decided to try changing her diaper. I had to sit and watch her lie on the changing table for a while, because I was distressed and crying. Fortunately she was enjoying her mobile and activity caterpillar.

Somehow I stopped crying, finished my dinner, finished changing Amy, sat with her here at the computer while I read blogs, and finally put her in her swing, where she fell asleep.

And here I am, dry-eyed. And Mark feels better for having had a break from her, even though he had to do the dishes.

Of course it’s only 7:40; hence the question mark. I don’t mean to minimize these positives, I just want to emphasize how much they cost and how small they are in comparison to the darkness.


Edited to add:

My night was fine. I retreated early in hopes of heading off the anxiety attacks that seem to be most likely in the later evening, and it worked. On the other hand I woke up at 2:00 and every two hours after that, but so far I feel okay this morning.

Mark and Amy had a difficult early night; we talked about it this morning and decided that maybe it’s best to just accept that Amy will not really go down to sleep until around 10:30 or 11:00 and that it might be easier on Mark not to try to make it happen before that, but to just try to keep them both fairly comfortable until then. We also agreed that it would probably have been worse if I had stayed up — my early retreat meant he only had to deal with his own and Amy’s stress and not mine. By the way, once she did go down, she slept about seven and a half hours.


We took Amy to the mall today to return a duplicate Christmas present and buy Mark some new dress shirts. I carried her around in the sling, and she slept most of the time and was calm otherwise — woo-hoo! I hope we’ll be able to enjoy the sling some more.