This is just a test

I’m going to talk about menstruation. Just so you know, in case you want to skip this one.

The other day I noticed pink on my toilet paper. Put on a pad (cloth of course!), but saw nothing else for — a whole day? two days?

I’ve never had that experience before.

I can’t remember when my last period was — January, but when?

Could I be… (gasp, shudder, freak) …pregnant?

Maybe it was some weird early pregnancy spotting. Or a really early miscarriage. I have no idea.

What would happen if we’re pregnant?

PPD is likely again — if you’ve had it once, you’re more likely to have it again, and especially if you already have a history of depression and anxiety.

Sleep deprivation is absolutely certain again. And that was the catalyst that tipped my anxiety into full panic and sent me back to the hospital and made me barely able to share the same space as my baby for more than an hour or two at a time.

Mark doesn’t have the kind of job where he could just take a month off to help again.

And my therapist — the only one I’ve ever been able to really talk to and be helped by — is dead.

Yeah, maybe it would be completely different this time. Maybe I would be fine.

Or maybe it would be different but worse. Amy was actually a pretty easy baby.

So, as you can imagine, last night I had a hard time settling into sleep. I was too busy freaking out about possibly being pregnant.

I did eventually sleep. And in the wee hours, when I woke still anxious, I went ahead and peed on the stick.

Whew. Negative.

And this morning? Real menstruation.

Whew.

This is yet another reason to ask Mark to go for the vasectomy, and yet I still worry that it’s lack of faith (in general) and not wisdom that is driving that idea.

Wisdom. Yeah, wisdom.

Right?

———

And then I read this, from Joe.

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5 thoughts on “This is just a test

  1. This whole topic has to be such a hard one for you, given all that you have been through. I will be praying for you as you work through these decisions.

  2. I think you need to honestly ask yourself if you want a baby, ignoring the PPD for just a minute. If you knew you wouldn’t suffer this time, would you go for it?? If the answer is yes, then hold off on any drastic measures and start praying for faith in this area, and deliverance from the PPD. If the answer is no, talk to hubby about your options.

    It’s an area I’ve struggled myself, although over slightly different reasons. I’ve gotten comfortable with the fact that even if I knew 100% that the underlying mental reasons I am afraid to have another child would be gone, I’d still don’t feel particularly driven to get pregnant. Just isn’t in me. I’m pretty confident that I’m making that decision objectively…but then again, we haven’t taken any drastic measures, either!

    Seek God. That is the best (and perhaps only) real advice I can give!
    🙂

  3. Thanks, Larry.

    Missy, that’s good advice, and a good approach to the question. I don’t want another baby so much that I am eager to get pregnant — and I think I would be happier if another pregnancy did not happen — but if one did, and there would be no PPD, I may or may not enjoy having another baby. That’s pretty low on the “do you want another” question — but not quite so low as absolutely never not at all.

    Wisdom to y’all, too.

  4. THIS question. Gah! I think about it all the time. I’m going to ponder Missy’s approach for my own answer. I think I feel about as ambivalent as you do–I may or may not want another baby if PPD wasn’t an issue. I can’t imagine being happy whilst caring for a baby–since I have no experience there–so it’s hard to imagine baby minus depression/anxiety. Dan and I have gone back and forth on making a permanent decision regarding sterilization–I think: God gave me a brain. Why go into something when I KNOW there is a HUGE possibility that my life could be filled with THAT KIND OF DARKNESS again. Then I think: maybe I don’t have enough faith. Everything is possible with God. So am I just running from pain? But I don’t feel this overwhelming need to have another child either. So maybe Sadie is meant to be an only child. Wrestle, wrestle, struggle.

    I’m right there with you M.

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