Various

1. At Lowe’s the other day, going from the car to the entrance, Amy yells out, “Oh my goodness! Look at all lawnmowers!

2. Greenness… is only a little thing, even though the possibilities and responsibilities seem so overwhelming and endless. What am I doing for the poor? Or for anyone else?

3. Sometimes, begrudging love is the only love there is. It’s unrealistic to expect people to never be annoyed or concerned about costs or whatever. Or to never find my quirks irksome or my flaws severe. A task I have been working on for years now — being able to receive begrudging love, the love that, however reluctantly, agrees to do what I am asking even though annoyance or concern or whatever is also in the picture, or agrees to be my friend despite irksomeness. Besides, isn’t my love for others almost always begrudging?

4. God’s love is never begrudging.

5. Amy walked on tiptoe at church this morning. She also likes to try on other people’s shoes and try to walk in them.

6. My paper journal entries, from late November (when I started this particular journal) until yesterday, are almost exclusively about being depressed and / or anxious and / or angry. Perhaps it’s just skewed, since the positive things end up here on the blog more often than in the private journal.

7. I am contemplating how I might respond. I could do a few months’ charts — chart my daily moods, chart what I eat, the weather, whether I exercise, etc. I could commit to work — to prescribe myself exercise, good eating, DBT skills practice, prayer, gratitude lists, etc. I could call Joe and / or my psychiatrist and talk about talking about maybe considering Zoloft again — but I said I would wait a year before making that decision.

8. I waver between feeling the need to take more responsibility for myself, take more action, and the feeling that I am already overburdened with work and death, tired of bearing all the responsibility for myself.

9. Amy can drink from a cup now.

10. The relationships in Christianity among work, death, grace, and life, are intriguing, confusing, interesting, promising.

11. (This one goes to eleven!) Baby Molly is home from the hospital. The trouble was with her epiglottis — she was aspirating the formula. Now she eats as much rice-thickened formula as she will take from a bottle, followed by high-calorie formula through her tube. She has good color and is nicely chubby.

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2 thoughts on “Various

  1. 1. is awesome. very funny!

    2. writing this blog? cheering people up with your writing and music? raising a really cool kid? but i’m not going to pretend i don’t know what you mean. those questions are the background noise of my every day.

    3. is your love for others really “almost always” begrudging? 🙂

    6. and 7. so sorry. hang in there. (((hugs)))

    8. i hear you.

    10. work, death, grace, and life: no wonder the relationship between all these very portentous things is complicated! care to expand, sometime?

  2. 3. It seems that way. Maybe I should say it’s never unmixed with sinful selfish wayward willfulness.

    10. To me as a Reformed believer, the whole Gospel is the promise of life and the free gift of grace — deliverance from the burden of a law I can’t fulfill, rescue from a death I can’t avoid otherwise. Whereas living with depression, making do with deeply unsatisfying relationships and my own deeply unsatisfying abilities to love, feel like death and work, neverending. Where is the grace? Where is the life?

    Now we see in a mirror darkly, 1 Cor 13, is the rock of my foundation.

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