We do right or wrong according to whether we respond to or against reality itself, according to whether we govern actions by a will that consents to the truth of things, or resist the truth of things by willful self-love*. (Marion Montgomery)
I had a therapy appointment yesterday.
Joe and I talked about how I am at war with reality — I have a hard time “consenting to the truth of things,” because I know that things are not what they should be. To “accept the things I cannot change” (from the Serenity Prayer, which I hate) feels like death and defeat — it feels like a peace that is false because it costs life.
I want to be a perfect mother. I want to give Amy everything she needs in just the ways she needs. I want to never find her annoying or frustrating or painful to be with, because I know how it hurts to be found annoying, frustrating, and painful to be with.
So when I get angry with her, I have a hard time accepting my anger — it should not be.
But it is.
I have to accept that I am angry, even if I think it’s wrong or unfair to be angry. I suppose once I accept it, then I can move on from there and deal with the wrongness or unfairness — by apologizing, repenting, and continuing to work on the issues that underlie my anger.
And I have to accept that Amy is human, and is therefore sometimes annoying, frustrating, and painful to be with, just like I am, just like everyone is.
*Self-love is not the “bad word” in this quotation — willful self-love is. Biblical self-love consents to the truth of things.