War against reality

We do right or wrong according to whether we respond to or against reality itself, according to whether we govern actions by a will that consents to the truth of things, or resist the truth of things by willful self-love*. (Marion Montgomery)

I had a therapy appointment yesterday.

Joe and I talked about how I am at war with reality — I have a hard time “consenting to the truth of things,” because I know that things are not what they should be. To “accept the things I cannot change” (from the Serenity Prayer, which I hate) feels like death and defeat — it feels like a peace that is false because it costs life.

I want to be a perfect mother. I want to give Amy everything she needs in just the ways she needs. I want to never find her annoying or frustrating or painful to be with, because I know how it hurts to be found annoying, frustrating, and painful to be with.

So when I get angry with her, I have a hard time accepting my anger — it should not be.

But it is.

I have to accept that I am angry, even if I think it’s wrong or unfair to be angry. I suppose once I accept it, then I can move on from there and deal with the wrongness or unfairness — by apologizing, repenting, and continuing to work on the issues that underlie my anger.

And I have to accept that Amy is human, and is therefore sometimes annoying, frustrating, and painful to be with, just like I am, just like everyone is.

*Self-love is not the “bad word” in this quotation — willful self-love is. Biblical self-love consents to the truth of things.

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One thought on “War against reality

  1. I have had trouble with that very issue, myself. God has helped me, and is helping me with it.

    Accepting that we live in a fallen world and that we are fallen, too, is difficult for many people, I think. But it’s essential. Not accepting that is like not accepting that we are sick, and so not doing anything for the sickness (going to the doctor or whatever you do for those sorts of things).

    Hang in there – you’re head the right way and doing well with it.

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