What I thought about yesterday

I don’t trust easily.

First of all, there are people who pretend to care, only to get more ammunition to hurt you.

Worse, there are people who do care, but yet don’t get it; people who have the best intentions, who want to help, who want me to be happy, and yet they don’t really understand or know me well enough, and so their efforts miss the target, or — worse — hurt instead of helping — like the two local therapists I tried before going back to Joe.

Sometimes the more I try to explain what I’m dealing with, the stranger the looks I get, and I feel ridiculous, dangerous, or shockingly deformed; or else the other person thinks they get it but I can tell they really don’t.

And I can’t blame these people. They really care. They’re not trying to hurt me, and they’re not deliberately misunderstanding me. It’s just ordinary human failure.

And so it can be difficult to figure out what to do with the anger I feel about it. What do you do with anger that has no legitimate object?

I often turn it inward, thinking people must be right that I’m difficult, that I love having problems, that I make my own life more miserable than it needs to be, that I overreact, that if I just did this or that I’d be fine, and so on.

Joe (and others) want me to have some physical outlet for anger. He chops wood. Other people buy thrift store dishes and break them. I got a huge heavy serious punching bag through Freecycle — I don’t have boxing gloves, but I could kick it or beat on it with a baseball bat.

But I haven’t yet. It feels too much like fighting, like violence, and that’s not permissible. Even though it doesn’t hurt the bag. It’s how it affects me that I worry about — whether I hit a bag or a person, I’m still hitting, with anger, with violence, and that’s too scary.

Speaking of fear, and anger, I’m still upset by what happened a few weeks ago that made me take a break from writing much here; it had to do with Denise, the psychiatric nurse practitioner. The way it was handled was terrible for me — it felt antagonistic, and it also felt like dangerously misinformed concern that could lead to interventions that could hurt me.

I hadn’t seen her since then until yesterday, and I was a little surprised at how seeing her again triggered that fear and defensiveness again. I had a very difficult time answering her questions. Afraid that if I answered wrong I’d be put away or that Amy would be taken from me, or that I would be given a medicine I don’t really need or want. (Actually she did prescribe Risperdal for me; I looked it up and it’s normally used as an anti-psychotic for people with schizophrenia, and it works by disrupting communication between nerve cells in the brain — sounds appealing, doesn’t it?)

So — yesterday’s appointments brought out some pretty intense emotions and thoughts. And I still feel in general like I can’t trust anyone at all to know what’s best for me, not even myself, not even God. And so I feel alone, and scared — scared to publish this post, scared to ask anyone for any help, scared to let anyone know what I’m feeling and thinking, scared of how people will react, scared of what might be behind people’s concern.

If you are concerned, and feel the need to tell me so, please just encourage me and reassure me. It’s okay if you’re scared or shocked or disappointed or annoyed, but please don’t tell me so just yet; I am too reactive right now to handle your reaction to me. Don’t tell me what to do. What I’m dealing with is intense, but I’m safe and Amy and Mark are safe, and we’re managing it okay.

By the way, I had a string of little panics last night trying to go to sleep. We decided I should try taking the Zoloft in the mornings, and I guess I got sleep anxiety again. I think I finally got to sleep around midnight, woke around 5, slept a little here and there until about 8.

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8 thoughts on “What I thought about yesterday

  1. Marcy, you will get through this. I love you with all my heart. Don’t despair, try to keep busy and get some exercise to help release the tension. Winter is hard with all its dark days and bad weather.

  2. Keep up the good work. It’s never pleasant dealing with our stuff, but it is necessary.

    Hitting the punching bag isn’t such a bad idea,; it sounds pretty great, really. It releases tension that builds up really well. And it helps in acknowledging how you feel. One of the best things I ever did was to split wood – rather than my first father-in-law’s head. It was legal! 😉 And I got out all those bottled up feelings that were killing me so I could bring them to the Lord and deal with them.

    We love you. Scared, shocked, disappointed, annoyed? Nah! I understand your concerns about your appointments with the the psychiatric nurse practitioner. It _is_ scary. Lord, please help Marcy to navigate these fears and feelings, and to find peace. Thank You.

  3. Hi Marcy,
    I’m sorry this is happening, but hang in there. I have seen you with Amy, and she is clearly well loved, well cared for, and growing into a beautiful little girl. You’re doing a great job! Mark is as well. I can’t wait to be able to see you all again.
    Sherj

  4. I think you have done a great job. No judgments or condemnations here – just want you to know I am still praying for you and I know you will get through all of this.
    Larry

  5. I took kickboxing for a few years after my divorce. The best part was the sessions with the heavy bag. I never felt violent against anybody, or myself, and certainly not my ex husband, with whom I remain close. But I felt strong and empowered by it, and that I was beating back the darkness, the doubt, the weakness, the fears that hovered around my brain. I would center on the self-doubt and similar thoughts and see myself shattering one with every blow. Like “You’re not going to make it? (punch) You can’t do it? (kick)” Or whatever the fears or challenges were I was currently facing. It left me drained and on the verge of tears sometimes but vibrating with confidence. I got stronger and stronger as the months went on and then I didn’t seem to need to do it anymore like that and just focused on form or strength or whatever.
    There are lots of Scriptural bases for doing battle. And while violence against a person isn’t good, pushing back the darkness is certainly a recurring Scriptural theme, right?
    Not sure if this makes sense, and it might not be right for you. But it really helped me at the time.
    That’s almost 10 years ago now and as I sit here and reflect on it, the intensity of it all floods over me again. Sometimes a bit of ‘battle warrior’ isn’t a bad thing in a woman!
    Hope this helps. I miss your writing.
    Your beautiful Amy is absolutely blossoming. The fact that she is well-loved shines through in every photo!

  6. I have a local friend I giggle with over this~she has a baby with terrible eczema, so she didn’t sleep much. My friend would go out in her backyard~sometimes in the middle of the night~and hit a metal folding chair with a bat when she was frustrated. LOL! She would say, “My poor neighbors… PING! PING! PING!” (((((HUGS))))) sandi

  7. I agree totally with Amy above. Your enemy isn’t yourself, nor is it anyone else – it’s fear. And punching that bag with fear in mind is definitely scriptural.

    We have a fight or flight reaction when we’re afriad, when we feel threatened. In our society, what can we do when threatened? We can’t fight easily, and we can’t flee, especially when the thing threatening is fear. It tends to go with us. So, using the punching bag is a good solution. Fight! Fight for yourself and your family! Fight for your freedom from this fear! Punch that bag! – It’s much more quiet than a baseball bat on a metal chair, too. 😉

    Blessings. We continue to pray for you all.

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