Today is appointments day.
This morning I had my phone session with my therapist Joe. It was good but hard work. He says I am still internalizing too much and intellectualizing too much, and that those two things make the emotions more intense and make me, Mark, Amy, and everyone else look too monstrous — hence the four days of bristly defensiveness and guilt and the four nights of panic at the end of last week.
If I’m angry, I should get the anger out (not turn it on myself) in some safe reliable way. (I’ve asked the local freecycle group for a punching bag or dartboard… two people have offered dartboards so maybe one of them will work out.)
If I’m sad I should cry — watch a sad movie or read a sad book if that helps.
If I’m anxious it means either I’ve been pushing myself too hard or some emotions are trying to push out, and either way I should rest peacefully (I almost wrote rest in peace… oh my).
I should not try too hard to figure out why I feel any particular way, nor fight the feeling, but just feel it. I confess I still don’t quite understand why this is what I need or why it will work, but we ran out of time. I think it has something to do with just about everything being easier with acceptance rather than resistance. (Maybe later I’ll write about some thoughts I have on acceptance and resistance.)
At 2:00 I have an appointment with Denise, the psychiatric nurse practitioner. Mark is coming home early to go with me. When Denise called last night to ask if Mark could come, I felt this rushing, sinking, terrified feeling in the pit of my stomach, as if I were in huge danger or trouble. It reminded me of being fired from one of my teaching jobs, and of the fiasco that ended my first attempt at student teaching. She just thought it would be a good idea for him to be there too. I don’t know where my reaction came from.
So far Amy is having a mixed day. We were both fine until about 10:15 when my volunteer, Pat, arrived. I went to get dressed, and Amy decided she was hungry NOW. I think she cried and screamed for half an hour, but Pat finally got her calmed down enough to eat, and then she was exhausted and fell asleep in her arms. Pat had to go, so I put Amy in her swing where she’s still asleep.
Last night was fine, although I stayed up too late writing notes to prepare for my session with Joe. I still need to make some notes for Denise, too. And the kitty wants some attention. Maybe I’ll just go lie down with the kitty until either Amy wakes up or Mark comes home for our appointment.