Today Mark stayed home so we could go together (with Amy, too, of course) to my final midwife visit, the six weeks post partum checkup. I also had my second phone session with my therapist, Joe.
We changed and fed Amy just before leaving for the midwives office.
She was rather fussy during the feeding, and it was hard to tell if she was still hungry or not. Sometimes she’s so upset she won’t accept the bottle even though she is hungry, and we just have to wait a bit and try again. Finally she seemed to be calm and not hungry, only to yell vehemently when we put her in the car seat. Were we wrong — was she still hungry after all? Or just annoyed to be handled and buckled up in the car seat?
She did okay in the car. She was even okay in the waiting room — but just as she started crying again, Graham was ready for me and Mark got a phone call from one of the jobs he’s thinking of applying for. He was able to arrange a time to talk to the guy tomorrow instead, and took care of Amy while I went in alone for my appointment.
Meanwhile today was the day I decided to try taking a half Ativan at midday instead of morning AND afternoon, and I hadn’t taken it yet. I’d been fine all morning, but that crying in the waiting room set me off.
Still, I had a nice talk with Graham about how things have been going, what I think of how the birth went now, and some other stuff plus the exam.
My second phone session with Joe was fine.
The gist of it is that I need to feel the feelings, whatever they are, whether reasonable or unreasonable, whether I like them or not. It’s one thing to recognize that a feeling is irrational; it’s another to try to not have it, or to judge it, because of its irrationality. Feelings can’t be controlled, transcended, repressed, denied, judged, etc, without negative consequences; they can only be felt. And feeling them is the only way to diminish their power and influence.