Feelin’ ugly

I’m not 100% down in the pit over all of this — it’s just some of the stuff floating around. So no need to get all concerned or anything — just share in this little bit of my musings if you like.

I have been feeling ugly lately.

(Picture taken by older sister at Sophia’s party.)

Ugly especially on the inside — a little paranoid about my friends, because why would anyone want to be my friend? Surely they’re all just humoring me, being polite, that sort of thing. Second-guessing many of the things I did or said at Sophia’s birthday party, or at church, or anywhere else. Disliking things about other people and therefore assuming other people dislike me and hide it, too.

Ugly on the outside, too, as I had to buy a swimsuit four sizes larger than I thought I was, and Eddie Bauer’s Original Loose Fit jeans, also four sizes too big, are so tight I can’t zip them up. My belly looks like Amy’s birth was last week instead of last year.

Ugly in the pathways that connect inside and out, as I can’t seem to resist the donuts at church, the cookies at the dining hall, an extra bowl of cereal as dessert at home. No, I don’t eat like that every day, but I was much better at making healthier choices when the not-so-healthy options were not in plain view.

Ugly because I could exercise, I could eat better, or I could accept my body as it is, but I don’t want to do any of those things. I’m busy doing other things. I don’t want to punish myself. I don’t have the stamina or want the commitment it would take to really make a difference.

Last night I dreamed I was beautiful.