I realized I forgot to go through half the pictures my mom sent. I went through them yesterday and got them all formatted, but I don’t feel like posting them.
Someone on the hammered dulcimer email list used the term “borderline personality” in a humor post about frustrating students. I responded as gently and diplomatically as I could, but it still makes me sad and mad.
I remember having to work at students (when I taught school? or when I worked with a youth group? I forget) regarding the word “gay.” No matter what I (or they) think about homosexuality, it is not right to use that term as a synonym for “stupid” and such. And they weren’t even aware that they were using the word that way.
Amy finished eating lunch before I did. (I’m starting to work with her about not deliberately playing with / throwing her food, so when she does I take the tray away.) So I had half a carrot and an apple sitting on the table. I was just going to change her diaper, bring her back out to play, then finish my lunch. But we spent a long time in her room (naked time; playing on the rocker, on the potty chair, on the rocking horse, the play table…) and then in the basement (while I folded the load of diapers I washed this morning), and then in the living room, and it wasn’t until her nap that I remembered my food.
The apple core is sitting daintily on the desk next to my glass of water. I’d say the glass is half full. Not because I’m an optimist, but because it’s a little more full than half, so half empty would be more inaccurate.
I’m feeling a little loneliness / emptiness (can’t you tell? That’s usually the case when I write posts like this).
I hate being labeled, pigeonholed — having people remember something I’ve said about one of my preferences or quirks, and having that preference or quirk carved in stone, unchangeable for all time, a way to dismiss me, write me off. It’s just a preference, just a quirk.
I also hate not being known — having people forget my preferences, quirks, etc, entirely. Or they still remember the ones I had last week, forgetting that I changed my mind this week.
I hate finding myself doing either or both of those things to other people.
This is one reason I find it difficult to establish relationships, maintain them, make small talk, etc. I don’t like to ask the normal questions, and can’t always think of something else to ask about instead. I don’t know what to do with the information I am given, because I know I don’t know the whole story.
Sometimes people tell me something with the obvious expectation that I will understand what’s implied, including whether the something is humorous, shocking, terrible, etc, and why.
Sometimes people expect me to be able to read their lips across a room of children.
I continue to think about the problem of the middle ground between things that are absolutely clearly a matter of right or wrong and things that are absolutely clearly a matter of preference. How to hold my own beliefs / principles about such middle things, with what I think are solid reasons, as if it’s a matter of right or wrong, but treating others as if it’s a matter of preference, not judging them for not holding the same beliefs / principles. Likewise, not feeling judged just because someone else does or thinks differently.
Some examples: our using cloth diapers and napkins and towels; composting; Reformed theology; having furniture and “nice things” low on our list of priorities; our views on psychology and faith; our views on parenting; our views on holidays…
I have a cluttered desk: a letter for our Compassion child, a thank-you note, a letter from a former dulcimer student to answer, a book to mail, Christmas gift cards, some already spent, a kitty brush, my psychiatrist’s business card, post-it notes, empty CD jewel boxes, blank notebook paper, a pencil, picture CDs to test in our DVD player, an apple core…
What’s on your desk?
Feeling a little lonely eh. It’s okay. I hope you feel better soon.
What are the normal questions to ask people? I have no idea. I don’t talk much to people, only because I am quiet, reserved, and shy, not because I dislike others. But if you don’t like asking normal questions…which I am not sure what those would be…what sort of questions do you like to ask people that you meet or know? Purely curious.
Did people really have a lot to say about you using cloth diapers, napkins, towels? I thought that was so cool. A great way to save money for sure! And to recycle cause ya just clean them and use them again. Weird that someone would judge that in a peculiar manner. The others stuff I guess I can see people having different points of view on…all a matter of preference and beliefs. As long as you believe and don’t have your faith and views shaken by others that is what counts. I always care about what others think and so forth, even if I may or may not agree…but I never really changed what I believe in cause I know what is right for me. You know what is right for you and your family. Some people in this world just think they know what is best for everyone, when they really don’t…how could they?
What’s on my desk?
A pencil, pen, marker, scissor holder. Ruler, calculator, stapler, tape, pencil sharpener, anythign associated with the computer (screen, mouse, etc.), a phone, a lamp, college books and a folder, notepad, notes, and….dust.
Comment by Sandra — January 10, 2008 @ 11:47 pm |
Normal questions — like what do you do for an adult or what’s your favorite subject in school for a kid — I guess I feel like I don’t want to bother people with things they might not want to talk about, but how can I know what they do want to talk about until I know them better… I do better in conversation when I’m the responder rather than the initiator.
I think some people are critical about our cloth use because they think we’re just cheap, or stingy, or backwards…
Comment by Marcy — January 11, 2008 @ 12:23 pm |
Oh, I see. Ya, ya can’t really know what people want to talk about till ya know them a bit better. Those normal questions are just necessary to get the ball rolling. I think the one question that I have been asked more then any question in my life is, “where are you from?” And I’ll be honest all though I understand the meaning of small talk in order to build a relationship, I get tired of answering that question. I use to answer it with some detail, but now it has been reduced to…”grew up in the military and now married to it, home is whereever.” I just got tired of explaining it and talking about. The second question I get asked is “How old are you?” Don’t you think that is so rude??? I think it is terrible. Who cares how old I am. A few months ago some lady asked me if I was babysitting. Of course not, thats my kid..then right out asked how old I was. Third normal question “What do you do for an adult?” Your example. Response, housewife. Then I get this look from people like awww, that bites. So I throw in student too. I don’t like small talk either, saying the same thing over and over to new people. And most don’t even bother to call. I lost interest in making friends at this base when I invited two mothers to my home, they came, and I never heard from them again. Does my house smell or something, lol.
what sort of question would you like to ask? would it even be possible? I wonder what the person’s response would be. For instance if I met someone new and asked “did you grow up in a happy home?” I’d get the most offended look probably.
Comment by Sandra — January 12, 2008 @ 12:26 am |
When I worked with a youth group, I got sort of famous for asking “what’s your favorite vegetable?” — it’s sort of a normal kind of question, the favorite genre, but not the usual first thing you’d ask someone. Those are the kinds of questions I like to ask — something that anyone will have an answer to, something that isn’t invasively personal, but something that they might not have been asked before or too often.
I don’t know if people would be offended by your question or not — might just depend on the person and the circumstances.
You know, when I was in my mid-twenties, I was substitute teaching, and I got stopped by a teacher — in a MIDDLE school, i.e. 6th through 8th grade — and asked if I had a pass.
Comment by Marcy — January 12, 2008 @ 9:50 am |
I actually like that question. It is very different and if someone I met asked me that I’d be happy to answer. The artichoke is my favorite vegetable, aspargus comes in second. What is your favorite vegetable?
I like your story about being stopped in the halls of the school you were substituting at. What were your feelings at first? I use to not like it, but now that I am slowly aging, I sort of take it as a compliment, but still prefer no one asked.
Comment by Sandra — January 13, 2008 @ 12:02 am |
I used to say asparagus, but I’ve gotten picky about it lately… hmmm… I like a lot of vegetables if they’re good and ripe and done right. Like squash, julienned and sauteed with butter and sesame seeds. Or broccoli sauteed with pecans. Friends of Mark’s brought us dinner during the PPD episode, and they actually made brussels sprouts taste good — stir-fried with some kind of nuts and sauce. Or Chinese style green beans.
I was mostly surprised, a little offended — I mean, it’s one thing when they think you’re young, but surely even at twenty-something I looked more like a grown-up than an eighth-grader. I think a lot of it (maybe for you too?) is that I wear my hair simply, don’t wear much jewelry, no make-up, etc.
Comment by Marcy — January 13, 2008 @ 12:49 pm |
Hey, ya kind of made me hungry there for a bit. That friend of Marks is a pure genious to be able to make brussel sprouts taste good.
Ya know, you are probably right. I have had the same exact look since 6th grade. I tie my hair back…no hairspray, no gels, never any styling. Once in a while if I go out I will wear it down, but even then its just brushed. Yep, no jewelry here either. I use to love wearing my wedding band and engagement ring, but since Blake those items have not fit. I wear a watch too, but I wouldnt call that jewelry. Oh, yep, no make-up either. I don’t even know how to apply the stuff, done care to know really. I wonder now, if everyone did these things, how much younger people would look. What surprises me is how much it can bother my family some times. Especially my mother. I guess she wants me to be more girly. Luckily this wish has worn off on her the last couple of years.
Its nice chatting with you Marcy.
Comment by Sandra — January 13, 2008 @ 7:12 pm |
I wonder, too; sometimes I feel so little when I’m around people with hairstyles and make up and all that, but most of the time I have absolutely no desire to look like them. The possible exception is this fabulous hand-made custom dress I got in exchange for playing for and being in a fashion show at a little shop in Ithaca. It just seems someone else should be wearing it, or I should do something about my face and hair.
For my wedding I wore flats (I hate heels — and who sees the shoes under those long dresses anyway? And who cares what anyone else thinks I should be wearing?) and did my own hair (fancy french braid crown / bun combo) and no make-up, although I did put some nearly clear nail polish on.
What about you? And what was your dress like? Mine was way more frou-frou than I thought I wanted — beads and lace and all, with a train, long lace sleeves, modest ring of beaded lace above a sweetheart neckline… If I were going to do it again, I’d search and search for something soft and wonderful feeling, like silk, with a simple cut and beautiful white embroidery… as it was I only had three days to shop.
I’m enjoying our chat, too.
Comment by Marcy — January 13, 2008 @ 9:20 pm |
That must be a nice custom dress. If you are not going to wear it, then maybe one day Amy will.
I would like to see a picture of you and Mark from your wedding day. Of course, just when you have the time. I will send you a picture of me and Wayne on ours.
We got married at the justice of peace. It was actually a lot nicer then I thought it was going to be. We only invited our immediate family members. After the I do’s, we went to a chinese restaurant and that was about it. A week later Wayne’s mother got us the honeymoon suite at Big Bass Lake, which was nice. My dress was a silk dress and simple. Nothing special at all, only cost me less then 50 bucks. I wore heels for the first time, but they were only about an inch off the ground…even then I had to practice walking in them. And that dress was the first won I had worn since being 5 probably. I hate wearing dresses and shorts.
How long have you and Mark been together now?
Comment by Sandra — January 14, 2008 @ 8:39 am |
I’ve worn it to perform in, and will again; it just gives me pause when I have to figure out what to do with my hair. The incongruity may just be in my own eyes — you know how it is when you see yourself wearing something unlike anything you usually wear. Did you feel that way at your wedding?
I like your dress — it was neat seeing your pictures. I’ll have to drag out the album and take some pictures of the pictures…
December 21 2007 marked eleven years for us. What about y’all?
Comment by Marcy — January 14, 2008 @ 12:25 pm |
Yea, I know how it is when you see yourself wearing something unlike anything you usually wear. That is exactly how I felt when dressing on my wedding day. I felt almost like a different person.
Eleven years, that is so great to hear. On 28 March it will be our five year point.
Guess what? I am in therapy again. Had my first appointment today. I have a whole nother outlook on it now then when I seeked help as a teen and young adult. Well, not that I am not young anymore, but ya know what I mean probably. I am more open-minded to it now and hope to make myself a better person and get out of this depression. Something happened recently that made me turn for the worse, that is why. I won’t say what, but it was enough to open my eyes that I am not as mentally healthy as I need to be.
I think reading some of your posts helped me with this decision too. Seeing how much progress you have made and how the medicines helped and now you have the tools to help you in daily life and get off the meds eventually. I went to the therapist this morning, but she is referring me to a psychiatrist at the mental health department. She said it was a lot more serious then I was letting on. Oh well. I took the first big step thats all that matters. Anyway, thanks for your posts about PPD and so forth. Ya know you probably help a lot of people that are going through the same thing. Although mine is not PPD and something different, its still depression caused by an unfortunate event.
Comment by Sandra — January 14, 2008 @ 11:16 pm |
PS – I wrote – Although mine is not PPD and something different, its still depression caused by an unfortunate event.
I did not mean to say that, Amy is not an unfortunate event. I was saying that depression is depression no matter what may bring it on.
It just looked funny when I read it and I wanted to clarify that.
Comment by Sandra — January 14, 2008 @ 11:17 pm |
Sandra,
I am glad to hear you’re giving therapy another shot. Good for you for going after what you need.
Be careful and be your own advocate — there are some scarily bad and some well-meaning but unuseful practitioners out there, and it’s worth shopping around to find a therapist that really suits you. From what you’ve told me here and before, I suspect that, like me, you have plenty of historical stuff to provoke depression, not to mention a collection of coping mechanisms that aren’t working so well for you anymore, and so I suggest you be cautious about meds — maybe see how far talk therapy can get you first, or if necessary think meds as temporary to get you through the worst of this episode. And there are all different styles of talk therapy, too — what has worked best for me is psychoanalysis, neo-Freudian, and DBT (not CBT).
I should also mention that we had to go out of network to find the right therapist — I hope you can find one you can work with that your insurance covers, but if you don’t, consider if you guys can make out-of-network work. For me, the extra cost was worth it.
Whatever you go with, I wish you the best! And I’m glad that my blogging about my own experiences has been helpful to you.
I had to laugh at your PS — I knew exactly what you meant the first time.
Comment by Marcy — January 15, 2008 @ 9:20 am |
You provide very good advice. Unfortunately, living in Japan on a military installation does not provide me with many opportunites to shop around. There are only two therapists here
( for me to choose from. For now since my choices are so limited, I will have to keep a very open mind. Something has got to be better then nothing. Thank you for your kind wish.
Comment by Sandra — January 16, 2008 @ 6:49 am |