It seems people can be criticized for having no children, having too many, or not having enough.
Remember the Aesop’s Fable where the man and his son take the donkey to town to sell it? First neither of them ride, and people criticize them for that. Then the son rides, and people criticize him for letting his father walk. Then the father rides, and people criticize him for letting his son walk. Then they both ride, and people criticize them for burdening the donkey. Then they carry the donkey, and it struggles and falls over the side of a bridge.
You can’t please everybody. You have to make your own decisions — according to your own beliefs and values and desires, and according to what you perceive God to be telling you.
The problem is, I’m terrible at making decisions.
It is difficult for me to know what I want — I have inclinations and impulses, but which is the truest, which will last, which isn’t determined by current circumstances and mood and the state of my digestion?
It is sometimes difficult for me to discern what the godly options might be — sometimes there’s only one, but more often he seems to give us a lot of choices.
Last year, when I was in labor, we joked about who was going to get the surgery (i.e. tubal ligation or vasectomy) so that I’d never have to go through that again. The question became more serious when I developed a rather severe case of PPD. But we said we should wait a year before deciding to do anything so drastic.
It’s been a year.
We still don’t particularly yearn for more children, but we’re still not quite ready to close that door completely.
Some mommy bloggers make it seem like not having all the children you can is to refuse blessings. Or that only people who don’t love the child(ren) they already have would decide not to have any more.
I don’t think that’s fair.
It’s like some blogger I came across who had a “Jesus was breastfed” button displayed in her sidebar. Um, while scientifically it’s true that breastmilk is best for babies, it’s truly not always possible for people to nurse, and formula didn’t even exist in Jesus’ day, and it’s certainly come a long way since it was first invented.
Why don’t I long to have more children?
I don’t want to risk PPD again, which takes a huge toll on our entire network. It’s possible I wouldn’t get it again, but it’s likely I would. Especially since so much of the initial trigger was the desperation of sleep deprivation, which I know for sure would happen again.
I am an introvert and impatient and I don’t like disorder and noise. Sure, if I had more kids I’d have to learn to deal with it, and it would be part of my sanctification. But that doesn’t mean it’s something I am eager to experience.
Siblings have conflicts — they fight over a toy or look to see who got more ice cream, they feel slighted when the other one is praised, they feel insecure when the other one accomplishes something, they feel jealous when the other one has greater privileges. Modeling, enforcing, teaching fairness is extremely difficult — it’s hard to know what’s fair to begin with, sometimes impossible, much less how to model, enforce, or teach it.
People say your love isn’t divided, it’s multiplied, but I’m not sure I really believe that. I don’t know that it’s possible not to like one kid better than another at different times or for different reasons.
So it seems I have some fairly strong feelings about not wanting to have more kids. And yet I don’t want to face the criticism some people might have, that I might be refusing a blessing, being selfish, or whatever. What if they’re right? But just because something hurts doesn’t mean it’s right…
You don’t know me, I’ve never commented here before, so I hope you don’t mind me commenting my thoughts on this. I’m warning you ahead of time, I may be lengthy. Sorry!
I only have one child, a nine year old girl. She is absolutely loved, beyond what I’ve seen a lot of other kids being loved, frankly. She is sweet, happy, and doted on. Why is she an only child?? For a couple of reasons, actually.
First, less than two years after she was born, my husband started his own business and we were left without health insurance. We just couldn’t afford the expenses of having a baby, so we didn’t.
The second and most important reason is that I have mental issues that effect decisions like this one, unfortunately. These ‘issues’ actually convinced me for many years that I wouldn’t even have children at all, it is honestly a miracle that I agreed to have one child! I have gone through different times of struggle that have probably negatively effected my daughter, and although I’d do anything to take them back, I can’t. I know in my heart that if I added a baby to the mix of our lives, my stress level would cause more of those bad times and then my daughters life (and that of the new baby) would have way more struggle than necessary.
I’ve often felt criticized for our choice but I’ve long since stopped allowing my feelings to be hurt by it. I feel it was absolutely the best choice for OUR family and no one really knows our situation to rightly judge. God knows and that is all that I can concern myself with.
I know there are alot of different theologies out there, but mine tells me that God knew from the time I was conceived every twist and turn of my life, that I’d struggle with certain things, and that I would have only one child. I truly feel like I was born to raise her, and only her, and I like to think He is okay with that! He is the one whom I believe put that desire into my heart!
To go one step further, there have been many times in my life where I’ve questioned God about why He hasn’t delivered me from my mental struggles even though I’ve cried out for healing and deliverance for as long as I can remember. Lately, it has occurred to me that perhaps He has allowed some things to continue in me for a reason…so that my decisions would be shaped in the ways they were. My ‘issues’ have caused me to not only stop at one child, but to ultimately homeschool her, something I’d have never done if not for those issues, and I truly believe it was the best decision I’ve ever made, parentally. So, perhaps everything DOES happen for a reason, including my mental struggles and issues.
I SO STRONGLY believe that God has many different paths for us to follow, and anyone who tries to impose their path on me is just wrong. Period. I homeschool, but I do not for a second think that it is the path for everyone. If we all had the same journey, life would be so boring. For someone to try and impose their convictions upon you is for them to say that THEIR voice should be regarded more highly by you than your LORD’S voice. If God is putting the thought into your head that your daughter is enough for you, follow Him. If He is allowing certain things to happen that shape that decision, follow Him.
Told you I would be long! I am so sorry to write you a book, I just felt led to share my thoughts with you. God bless you in whatever you decide.
Comment by missy — December 10, 2007 @ 4:08 pm
Thank you, Missy, very much.
Comment by Marcy — December 10, 2007 @ 5:34 pm
Just remember Marcy that opinions are like belly buttons - every idiot has one! How many children you have is totally up to you and you alone. Don’t worry about what others say or think - they don’t have to live in your home or deal with the situation. Only you know what is right for you and your family. And, the Lord gave you the ability to make those decisions and consult Him when you aren’t sure about things. Just walk in His peace. God Bless.
Comment by Larry — December 10, 2007 @ 10:46 pm
Larry I have never heard that saying before, but I love it! Belly buttons.
I understand your thoughts, reasonings, and emotions behind this subject matter. I actually thought it was becoming more acceptable for families to have only one child. It makes a lot of sense to me to have one child. To be honest…I can only handle and support ONE. And ya know what, there is nothing wrong with that. I can provide Blake with more love, with a more financially secure future, more attention for schooling, etc. I’ve met several parents who have two or more children and are unhappy, mostly in the relationship with their spouse. And gosh some of the stories I hear from my girlfriends are rather scarey, there is so much resentment. I often want to slap them across the face and say “why the hell did you have another kid for?” Sounds mean doesn’t it? One child is a blessing, period. The only reason neither Wayne or I have not had surgery is because we don’t want to close that door fully and if the day comes where we want to have another blessing, then so be it, at least we are ready and open arms about it. But for the time being, I cannot even imagine it. Blake provides me with an abundance of joy that I just don’t know what to do with it all, ya know what I mean?
Comment by Sandra — December 11, 2007 @ 1:03 am
You know my story-you know that my second child was a trigger for near psychosis. BUT, it was also a trigger for my eventual diagnosis of bipolar. My husband repeatedly points out that without her, I would have never got any help.
I don’t know if we would have had a second child if I hadn’t of accidently gotten pregnant. (I’m glad I did though-she is the most incredible child) Having two is hard-DAMN hard, and many times that first year I wondered how I could do it.
I got through it though, and watching the girls play together is a damn cool thing.
Ultimately, it is your decision. And it’s a hard one. For me, the loss of my mother young would have sealed the deal-I want there to be sibling so they have eachother if anything happens to me.
Good luck. It’s such a hard decision to make.
Comment by thordora — December 11, 2007 @ 10:24 am
Hi, Marcy.
That’s a tough decision you’re looking at making. I don’t know of any one answer for everyone, especially since we’re all a bit different, and we all are in different circumstances that bear on the decision.
I was adopted at birth. I was an only child. I’ve never been particularly fond of having children, but had 3 before I knew what I was doing. When I got divorced and remarried, we weren’t going to have any children of our own. I didn’t feel like I’d be a good father based on past experience.
However, my first wife attempted suicide (so we were told), and I was asked to come get custody of my three children! I did that, praying very hard all the way. We were using sympto-thermal birth control at the time, and, probably due to the stress of getting my three children, within a a few months, we found we were pregnant! I won’t repeat my first reaction to that news.
As it turned out, our new baby daughter (named for the Greek word for Grace) was a real gift of grace from the Lord, and a joy. Not that we didn’t spend hours of walking with her when she cried, etc., but she was (and is now) a joy.
The only way we got through that situation that we didn’t want was the Lord.
Now, none of this is to tell you what to do one way or the other. But it’s to illustrate that we don’t always get what we want, but that there is help when we face these kinds of things.
After our youngest daughter was born, I was sorely tempted to get a vasectomy, or for my wife to get her tubes tied. But neither of us particularly like knives (or needles for that matter), and neither of us got either. We have had no more children.
You have to come to the decision with which you are comfortable at the time you need to make it. If neither of you have an operation, you can change your minds later. Or if you do, and find later you intensely want children, one option is to adopt. There are some options either way.
We will be praying for you in this decision, that you’ll both see clearly what to do, and be in agreement on it.
Comment by Rick — December 11, 2007 @ 2:41 pm
Thank you all, very much — it is good to be supported.
Comment by Marcy — December 12, 2007 @ 11:34 am
I wonder if you would feel guilty about your feelings or what others might think if your birth-caused illness had been physical. If you are likely to have PPD again with another baby, wouldn’t it be self-centered to have more children and put yourself and your family in jeopardy? Most people’s experience of newborn baby life was very, very different from y’all’s.
Job’s friends had advice that sounded righteous, too.
Comment by manasclerk — December 12, 2007 @ 9:20 pm
Manasclerk, I think my PPD was not an isolated incident — I mean, it wasn’t merely caused by the birth, but was very much tied to existing issues. I also think that makes it even more likely to recur. And yes, one of my main motivations for not wanting more children is that jeopardy thing. Even with the one birth, I felt like one of those extreme sports types that goes and climbs a dangerous mountain, falls off, and puts all these rescue people in jeopardy to save him.
Comment by Marcy — December 13, 2007 @ 9:04 am