For new moms

For Sandi’s contest on how to encourage a new mom “who’s having trouble getting it all done.”

Dear new mom,

I was a new mom almost six months ago. I’m hardly a seasoned veteran, but far enough away from the newborn stage to offer a little perspective.

I recommend creating a philosophy of whatever works, instead of a philosophy of shoulds.

My shoulds started me off on all the wrong feet.

I should have had a completely natural childbirth. Trying to will that to happen took a lot of energy and created a lot of stress. I didn’t manage to avoid induction, but I did get through labor without any other meds. Was it worth it? Maybe; I’m glad I was able to labor without pain meds, but I wish I could have had a more restful, less stressful, less anxious last two weeks of pregnancy.

I should have slept when the baby slept. Except I am not good at falling asleep, and a newborn eats every hour or two, and with changing and burping and everything that doesn’t leave enough time for me to fall asleep and then stay asleep for any length of time. Not to mention the extra anxiety involved in trying to will myself to sleep, knowing that I needed it.

I should have been able to keep my baby happy without a pacifier. But some babies need to suck more than others, and I wasn’t able to play human pacifier; nursing for food was exhausting enough without also nursing for comfort. Nobody goes to college still needing their pacifier, and dental problems aren’t any worse for pacifiers than thumbs.

I should have dropped everything and concentrated all of my energy on the baby, 24/7. Except that I have a lot of emotional baggage around the idea that I’m not allowed to be a self, and even small sacrifices cost me a great deal. And doing the dishes, tidying the house, and so on gave me a little sense of competence in the face of all the inadequacy feelings of new motherhood.

These and other shoulds added so much more anxiety than already comes with a new baby.

The whatever works philosophy started with me taking something for sleep and sequestering myself away for the whole night, while others gave the baby (gasp) formula. This turned out to be insufficient intervention, and I landed in the psych ward a week after we brought the baby home, desperate for sleep, so hyped up on anxiety that I could do nothing. That worked for a few days until they sent me home. What worked next was to give up on nursing and spend nights at the home of friends, since that first week was so traumatic I couldn’t be in my own house, especially around the baby, for very long. Add in therapy and drugs and volunteers from church and my mother-in-law and Mark staying home from work more than planned, for a little more scaffolding.

Your shoulds are probably different from mine. And your whatever works will be different, too. The important things are these:

• Have patience and compassion for yourself and the baby and others.
• Remember your only job is to keep yourself and the baby alive.
• Whatever should is weighing you down, there is a whatever works you can do instead, and it will be okay.
• This, too, shall pass; no one stays newborn forever.

Take care.

PS — Earplugs. You’ll still hear the baby when you need to, but it’ll take the edge off that gut-wrenching tone and volume.