Jonah

Prompting event for my emotion:

Amy got hungry a half hour before I wanted her to.

Emotion names:

Anger
Resignation
Meaninglessness

Interpretations (beliefs, assumptions):

I am ridiculous.

Physical sensations:

Limp

Body language:

Avoiding eye contact and unnecessary movement, tears.

Urges:

To stomp and slam, to do nothing, to cry, to give up.

Actions:

After trying to distract her with various things, I fed her — stomping and slamming a bit as I prepared things, not making eye contact with her, crying silently, but talking to her a little. Then I put her in her entertainer while I lay down for a bit and thought about what I was feeling and how silly it was and what must be underneath.

After effect:

I feel reasonably okay now.

Challenge to the interpretations:

Irrationally intense emotion generally means there’s something else bothering me, not so much the particular thing that triggered the emotion. I was already experiencing an attack / wave of meaninglessness earlier in the afternoon — one of those times where despite all that I’ve accomplished today, even things I felt good about, my life just suddenly seemed pointless — repetitive, fruitless, and even if there were change, progress, results, that would all be meaningless, too.

This reminded me of that dream where I went into a suicidal rage over a parking space.

It also reminds me of Jonah. In the last chapter, Jonah is in a suicidal rage because God not only gave the city of his enemies an opportunity to repent and be saved, but used him to give them the message. Then, as Jonah angrily waits and watches to see what will happen, God makes a plant grow to provide shade (apparently better shade than the shelter Jonah built for himself — what God gives is usually better than what we make for ourselves…), which makes Jonah ecstatically happy. Then God kills the plant and sends a hot wind, which sends Jonah back into a suicidal rage.

God asks, “Do you have good reason to be angry?”

I don’t think God asks this question in order to condemn Jonah, nor to berate him for his irrationally intense feelings. I think he’s sort of doing some cognitive behavioral therapy with him — gently working with Jonah to integrate feelings and cognition — to truly feel his feelings and share them with God, but also to know that God’s compassion and mercy (for himself and for his enemies) is a good thing.