You know what’s weird?
Today a new friend came to visit.
Amy chose that time to be ridiculously fussy. I had to interrupt my lunch and some chores to take care of her. She fought sleep for a long time even though she was clearly tired.
And yet, I didn’t really get mad. I almost actually found it all amusing.
I don’t think laughing at her misery is a great idea*, but it’s a step forward away from anger, and towards compassion. And it’s a recognition that her misery is temporary, doesn’t make me a failure, and doesn’t need to push me away.
*I hate being laughed at — especially when I’m experiencing some strong emotion. I don’t like being ridiculed, being told that I’m overreacting or too sensitive or that I’ll get over it or anything like that.
So, is your new friend laughter?
Actually, you likely weren’t laughing at Amy’s misery, but at the situation. And that’s good. But any laughter is good in a situation like this.
That’s great! Congratulations!
Comment by Rick — March 5, 2007 @ 7:15 pm
Marcy wrote: “*I hate being laughed at — especially when I’m experiencing some strong emotion. I don’t like being ridiculed, being told that I’m overreacting or too sensitive or that I’ll get over it or anything like that.”
I’ll second that. I remember how angry it made me to hear adults saying over my head “she’s just cranky because she’s tired” when I was a child. Although it was probably true that if I hadn’t been tired I might have handled it better, I was definitely upset ABOUT SOMETHING at that point and I didn’t want it minimized as “she’s just tired.” Marcy, your sensitivity to the need to have one’s feelings accepted as valid is a huge asset as a parent. Amy will benefit from that over the years to come.
The key here is that you can accept the feelings as valid without being completely swept up in them yourself. If it feels like the end of the world to the child, having the parent also feel and act like it’s the end of the world is MORE frightening and makes it harder for the child to deal with the situation. Of course, it’s always easier said than done to remain calm and compassionate! I still haven’t mastered it, but I have made some progress in my 16+ years of motherhood. I’m not a perfect mother, but I think my kids know that I love them deeply and am trying my best.
If it’s worth anything, I think you’re doing great, Marcy. I also think it’s brave of you to share so much. I rarely talked so openly about the troubles I had in dealing with an infant back when I was in the midst of it, and I should have. I think it would have helped me feel less alone and less incompetent.
Comment by Sarah — March 6, 2007 @ 1:46 am
Thanks, Sarah — that’s exactly it — compassion for tired-induced crankiness instead of dismissal. I suppose it’s even possible to feel compassionate towards it while still feeling annoyed by it — to act with compassion despite my annoyance. “To have no illusions and yet to love” as Forster says in Howards End.
Comment by Marcy — March 6, 2007 @ 9:04 am
We do that a lot-but we try to express it more liek “you’re finding it easier to get upset BECAUSE you’re tired”. Sure, they’re still mad-it’s their capacity to deal with their anger that is reduced. I don’t mind them feeling it, I just want them to also know how to avoid the unnecessary.
Teaching them to pick their battles, and know when to concede defeat.
And sometimes, all you can do is laugh.
Comment by thordora — March 6, 2007 @ 10:50 am
That’s a good way to put it.
Comment by Marcy — March 6, 2007 @ 2:33 pm