The Voice of Depression
The voice of depression is a very ugly voice.
It says things like
I hate my life
And
I don’t want this baby anymore
Even when the day goes well and the baby is fine.
It is an insistent, insidious voice.
It calls out loudly and suddenly.
It creeps around in the background.
It carries anxiety with it
And makes everything fearfully intense.
It weeps, keening –
Long, drawn-out low wail-moans
Between quick intakes of breath
Like the moans of unmedicated labor
Like the yells of a fussy baby
Wail-moans that replicate themselves
Reinforcing one another
So that the one who cries
Fears and hates the crying,
Cries more, because she is crying.
“I don’t want this baby anymore”
I think a lot of new mothers, especially in the early months…eeeepecialllly with a baby that cries a lot, feel this at one point or another. The only difference between them and you is that you can admit it and say it aloud. Too many mothers walk around feeling so overwhelmed thinking that it would be “taboo” in our society to speak such words about their baby. Since you are so forthcoming with your thoughts, I will be honest with you as well…to let you know that you are not alone…I too, on a few occassions thought to myself I do not want this baby anymore. I don’t have those thoughts anymore now that he is developing rather well into a little person with such personality. But before, yea…a few times, and I hated myself for it. Anyway, yea, like I mentioned earlier…I think many mothers feel this but won’t admit it, therefore for those of us that do speak out…we feel a little alone.
Comment by Sandra — December 29, 2006 @ 5:57 pm
Yeah, it’s certainly not a pleasant thought to have…
I’m glad to hear you’re enjoying Blake more now.
Comment by Marcy — December 29, 2006 @ 8:22 pm
I know the darkness of which you speak, and I am amazed at your expression of it. It’s painful, beautiful, eloquent, and exactly right. The intense fear, the crying, the longing of a baby-less life, and oh, did I mention the crying?
I mentioned in another comment that I did not want my baby anymore either. I wanted nothing to do with all of the responsibility–it was too heavy a burden–a weight that I felt I could in no way carry. My OCD brain never let me rest. I loved my baby (she’s four now), and wondered when all the fuzzy mom-feelings would kick in. My baby represented such a grievous loss to me, instead of a wonderful addition to my life. I looked at other moms of newborns, and couldn’t for the life of me figure out how or why they were so happy–and why on earth couldn’t I stop crying?
Comment by Shelley — December 31, 2006 @ 3:17 pm
Absolutely… the weight of responsibility is way too huge… and it’s so painful to grieve about a baby instead of being joyful… I think about the future and looking back at this time, and having more negative memories of her first few months than positive, and how sad that is. Oh yes, I can find thousands of ways to magnify and reinforce and exacerbate the misery. I keep working at noticing the positive moments and treasuring them up.
Comment by Marcy — December 31, 2006 @ 4:07 pm
Coming from the other side, I do look back and feel sadness–I feel like I missed out on something that other moms took for granted (happiness, for one…
But my husband reminds me that the hard time we had was ours–together, and what happened was suppposed to happen. This was the experience that God gave us, and for whatever reason, He decided to redeem it. I now speak to groups on PPD and PPOCD, and tell whoever will listen about my experience so maybe they won’t feel so alone. And I get the opening a lot: Will you be having another child? No. And let me tell you why…
The other thing that happened to me was that after the Darkness, God brought such revival to my life–Light that I had never known, even before the depression hit. I would suffer all over again just to experience what God was building into me while I was suffering. Having been in such a dark place, the light was all the brighter. And now I know what it is to feel true pain; and to be broken. There are so many people who I can now relate to–ones that I could never understand before.
There is a Redeemer…
Comment by Shelley — January 1, 2007 @ 10:22 am
Now I’m the one who wishes I could edit my above comment…
Sorry I sound so pithy–so ‘God will make it better’–I don’t want to dismiss what you are going through now. I know there are no easy answers (and I hate when people give them), so please forgive me if I have glossed over where you are now. Though I have been through a similiar situation, I don’t know if my story is helpful to you right now. I apologize if I’ve said too much.
Comment by Shelley — January 1, 2007 @ 2:26 pm
One of the few bummers about WordPress — can’t edit your comments unless you’re the blog author.
I didn’t hear “God will make it better” or dismissal or easy answers in your comment — just your own experience of hope and redemption, which is encouraging to hear. I was disappointed to find that you’ve only recently started blogging, so there’s no posts from your PPD time — would have loved to read them.
We’re also pretty sure it would be too big a risk to have another child; some folks think that’s wise, some think we’ll change our minds in a year or two.
Comment by Marcy — January 1, 2007 @ 6:19 pm
I get the question about having another kid CONSTANTLY, and honestly, I’ve wrestled with it quite a bit. Dan and I are both 35, and we’d have to get at it presently if we were to have another. Dan was sure from the first year that one was PLENTY for us. (He is still trying to recover from my PPD time–it hit him harder than we both realized–it was like caring for two children since I was out of commission for so long…
We live in the Bible Belt, however, and ‘giving your womb to the Lord’ is quite popular around here. (Many moms I know have 3,4,5+ kids). Have you heard of the Duggers? (I think they have like, 16 and counting…I think they have a reality show about them on TLC–they live 25 miles away from me…ugh!) Anyway, I’ve felt much pressure, and wondered SO MUCH if having only one will be something I regret later. I also stress continually about entertaining Sadie, and wish she had a brother or sister to give me a break from being the all-in-one entertainment machine.
About my PPD posts, I blogged during that time some, and then took the blog down due to an intense comment addiction (I wasn’t getting anything done!) I had quite a readership and I got way too involved. I’ll look on my hard drive and see if I have saved any of the posts, and will send them along to you.
Comment by Shelley — January 2, 2007 @ 6:03 pm
Thanks. Your “Do I HAVE to” post is my favorite on your new blog.
Comment by Marcy — January 2, 2007 @ 6:37 pm