Our little family went to church today.
Amy slept a good bit of the time, but missed part of the service for a diaper change (actually a complete outfit change — she peed through the diaper, the cover, the onesie, the outfit, onto Mom P’s leg…) and a feeding.
It was nice to see everyone, to sing “And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed” (from the Messiah) with the choir, to participate in the Lord’s Supper, and to have some wonderfully reassuring conversation with a few people.
Two women in particular really understood what I meant when I talked about the fear of the great cost of mothering — fear that investing in this little soul will drain my little soul until there isn’t any me left.
It reminds me of the verse about losing one’s life for Jesus’ sake and how scary I’ve always thought that verse is. And yet it promises that, paradoxically, those who lose their lives for him will actually gain them.
It also reminds me of my very favorite passage, Jeremiah 2, about how we’ve abandoned the Lord, the fountain of living water, in order to dig our own cisterns, broken cisterns that can’t hold water. I fear the draining of my little soul because some part of me believes I’m essentially an orphan, left alone and defenseless to make my way as best I can, so that I had better protect myself fiercely from anything that might drain me unto death. And God (and Amy, and lots of other things) sometimes seems like such a threat, requiring my very life and soul from me. I need to understand more and more that God is for me, that he defends my soul, and that whatever he might require of me, he will carry me through it and provide all I need.
Easier said than believed.
Hi, Marcy.
Sounds like church went well. Glad you all got to go together, especially for communion Sunday.
“It also reminds me of my very favorite passage, Jeremiah 2, about how we’ve abandoned the Lord, the fountain of living water, in order to dig our own cisterns, broken cisterns that can’t hold water. I fear the draining of my little soul because some part of me believes I’m essentially an orphan, left alone and defenseless to make my way as best I can, so that I had better protect myself fiercely from anything that might drain me unto death. And God (and Amy, and lots of other things) sometimes seems like such a threat, requiring my very life and soul from me. I need to understand more and more that God is for me, that he defends my soul, and that whatever he might require of me, he will carry me through it and provide all I need.”
And that reminds me of the line in the Chronicles of Narnia about Aslan when someone asked if Aslan was safe - “Safe? No, he’s not safe. But he’s good.” That’s a wonderful description of God - not safe, not controllable, but good. And, in Christ, His good intentions toward us are shown clearly, as you said so well in a previous posting. I know you know all this. it just helps to hear it again sometimes.
Congratulations on making it through Saturday night at home, and being able to go to church with the fam.
May God prepare you and this new therapist for your session on Wednesday, and may He guide yo to the proper one to help you find your way through all this.
We continue to pray for you all.
Comment by Rick — December 11, 2006 @ 12:29 pm
I’ve been in a very overwhelmed frame of mind lately, and I just got an encouraging e-mail too about losing your life for Christ’s sake. If ya wanna, I’ll forward it! Didn’t want to just do that without your consent, as it is that kinda hard-hittin’ stuff that most encourages me~you’ve read it before! LOL! (((((HUGS))))) sandi
Comment by sandi — December 11, 2006 @ 6:20 pm
Sandi, go ahead and forward it — thanks!
Comment by Marcy — December 12, 2006 @ 12:18 pm