Weekend
First of all, I have an appointment next Wednesday with a new therapist recommended by my pastor. I am still receiving calls from some of the others I called yesterday, and I’ll go ahead and interview them in case this new person is also not a good match.
I had a lot of anxiety and depression last night even at my friends’ house. I called the midwives at 10:30 and got to talk to Graham, which was reassuring. I was feeling like this was going to last forever, and that I was a horrible mother, and she reminded me that I’m still in the throes of hormonal adjustment, there’s still the brain chemistry stuff since the Zoloft hasn’t kicked in yet, and that evenings are typically when I’m most anxious. She also assured me that this won’t last forever, and I’m not a horrible mother.
Amy had a difficult night, too; Mark and Mom P will need naps today.
When I got here this morning Amy was lying awake in her basket, working hard at passing gas. I stood talking to her while she worked, and when it seemed she was done, I changed her diaper. I sang to her while I worked, and also offered her a pacifier, which she held onto half-heartedly; she was fairly quiet, perhaps because of the novelty of being sung to. I had to take a phone call, so Mark took over and fed her and is holding her now.
My goals for the weekend are to sleep here both nights, to remind myself to keep perspective, and to play the dulcimer for Amy sometime when she’s awake and alert.
Tamara will be visiting this morning, and later one of Mark’s lab friends might be making dinner for us (and staying to eat with us).
Tomorrow we hope to go to church. I’m nervous about that — we haven’t really had to deal with crying, diaper changes, or feedings outside of the house yet. But I’m looking forward to introducing Amy to the church, thanking everyone who has been offering us help, and updating folks on how things are going. Plus it’s Advent, the time to be thinking about Christ’s first coming and why he came, and there will be the sacrament of the Lord’s Supper.
