It takes a while to be able to write again…
I’ll go backwards.
My friends Keith and Marty were just here visiting Amy and kindly tuning my dulcimer for me.
I just got back from the midwives’ office where I dropped off some of my What Child Is This? CDs for them as thanks for all their help and support during this time. Graham was there, and it was good to see (and hug) her.
Before that, I was across the street at a surgeon’s, where the doctor looked at the pyogenic granuloma on my right index finger and said I’d need to reschedule for a longer appointment since today’s wasn’t going to be enough time to cauterize it.
Before that, we all had lunch together: Amy in her bouncy seat on the table, Mark, Mom P, and I. We’ve done dinner that way the past few evenings, too. It’s nice to all be together. Good to establish the family meal.
Before that, I was able to greet Amy when she woke up, change her diaper, feed her, and read her more of The Scarlet Ibis, one of my favorite stories. It’s not a children’s book, but at this age what matters more is hearing the language and the tone of voice, not the story content.
It was good for me to be with her and do these things with her, but it also took a lot out of me emotionally. But every little tiny step helps.
Before that, I got home, spent a little time online, did the dishes, and put on a pot of spaghetti sauce — enough for dinner tonight plus maybe ten or so portions to freeze for future dinners.
Before that I was at my friends’ home; breakfast of toast and a clementine preceded by a fitful night’s sleep preceded by the tail end of the newest version of Pride and Prejudice.
Yesterday I had my first appointment with my therapist, Herb. It was good. I’m excited about the progress ahead working through various issues. I see him again tomorrow.
Yesterday I also made it through the whole day without any anxiety meds; I just took one at bedtime for sleep.
Today on the other hand, I’ve needed them; I’m anxious about staying here overnight for the first time since before I was hospitalized. Considering that it was extreme sleep deprivation that sent me to the hospital in the first place, and considering that I don’t have normal healthy sleep patterns to begin with, and considering all the high anxiety I’m still carrying, it’s not surprising that I’m nervous about learning to sleep at home again with the addition of a new baby. My goal for tonight is just to be here overnight, whether I sleep or not. Tomorrow night I will be back at my friends’ so I can catch up if I don’t sleep tonight.
Mark and Mom P continue to be doing very well. The church has lined up a host of people who are willing to help out in any way, but Mark and Mom P feel they’re doing just fine so far. Mark’s even going to work a few hours each day.
Marcy,
I think your plans for the night are great: you have a realistic goal (spending the night at home whether or not you sleep) and firm plans for getting sleep the next night so that there is relief in sight. In all difficult situations (sleeplessness, pain, human relationships — you name it!), not knowing when or if it will end is what makes the situation really hard to bear. (Patience is just the faith that this, too, will end. I developed that insight many years ago while chained to my bed in traction for two months, and it helped me survive my children’s infancies.)
When my first child was a baby, his dad and I read LOTS of parenting books. (We were pretty overwhelmed and desparate, and being academics, we turned to books.) One book was mostly new-age wishy-washy c**p, but it had one really helpful nugget of wisdom in it: Both you and the baby need PEACE more than you need sleep, so stop stressing about when you’re supposed to sleep and try to focus on being peaceful together. That helped me through many a wee hour of the morning when the thought of all the sleep I WASN’T getting was very stressful to me. My sleep problems probably weren’t as severe as yours, but I, too, had a very hard time falling asleep, and the pressure of “I need to sleep NOW” made it a lot worse. Those moments of peace that the baby and I achieved allowed me to rest even when I couldn’t actually sleep.
If you’re awake tonight, I recommend that you try to create a little kernel of peace within yourself, and experience that, and let it be enough for now. With your spiritual outlook, praying will probably help you a lot.
Sarah
Comment by Sarah — December 7, 2006 @ 5:30 pm |
Hi, Marcy.
It sounds like the last couple of days have been really good. I’m glad the therapist visits are something you look forward to, and that you feel he is going to be able to help you deal with issues. That’s exciting. The money we paid our family counselor was some of the best we spent over the years.
I’m also glad you got to spend some good time with Amy, and that you’ve got a good plan for tonight and tomorrow. It’s one day at a time – or night, as the case may be.
We’re going to our prayer group tonight, and though it’s strictly a group to pray for our church, all of the people on it, I think, are on the prayer chain, as well. We will pray for you tonight at the meeting.
Sarah’s suggestion of cultivating peace when you’re alone & awake at night, or with Amy is a good one. It’s amazing what a time of experiencing peace can do for you. May you experience His peace that passes understanding. I love that phrase – it describes so well the feeling of peace when you have no idea why you should feel peaceful. Peace seems to me to be the real need for us all, awake or asleep.
Comment by Rick — December 7, 2006 @ 6:27 pm |
Not much time to comment, but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you and praying for you!
Much love,
Elizabeth
Comment by Elizabeth — December 8, 2006 @ 1:10 am |
Your CD is the VERY BEST of gifts!!! I know it will really bless the midwives! (((((HUGS))))) sandi
Comment by sandi — December 11, 2006 @ 12:44 pm |