Hi everyone,
Thank you all for your continuing prayers.
I was in the hospital from Tuesday evening until yesterday afternoon. It was good to be in a place where I could sleep and talk to lots of people (staff and other patients as well as the midwives) when I was anxious. I found it easier to eat there, and I cried and panicked a lot less. I felt safe. It was especially cool that there was another woman there for post partum anxiety, so we talked a lot and exchanged contact info.
I have the rudiments of a plan in place including a referral for therapy and some drugs for the anxiety and to help me sleep. I’m a little confused on the details still and hope we can work that out on Monday; that’s the frustration of being discharged on the weekend.
I was excited to go home yesterday, but once I got here my anxiety jumped several notches, and it was too close to bedtime to take one of the anxiety pills (they have to be eight hours apart). I wish I had thought to take one earlier in the afternoon before I left.
I cried a lot and felt really fragile. Made a lot of phone calls. Tried to keep myself occupied — journaling, opening some gifts some folks sent (I’m not even going to think about posting about them or taking pictures), petting the cat, eating a bit.
After dinner I started to panic about sleeping. I made arrangements to go stay overnight at Keith and Marty’s. They are an older couple whose grown children live far away, and they often have some college student or something living with them — they like parenting and seem happy to “parent” me for a while. I can stay there as long as I need to, and come home for visits with Mark, Amy, and Mom P.
I cried a lot over there, too. I’m just so sad and bewildered by this whole thing. I know post partum problems are real, and expected I would have some, but I had no idea mine would be so very extreme. It takes a lot of faith to think that getting pregnant wasn’t a stupid risk (I think about those extreme sports people who climb a mountain, fall, and require a huge, costly, dangerous rescue mission), and to think that eventually I’ll be able to love her like a normal person.
I slept well, though, and had a good breakfast. And it was refreshing and cathartic to play their dulcimer, even though I have this huge gauze bandage on my finger where that nasty growth was trimmed and lanced yesterday.
Now I’m visiting home for a while. I hope to make it through dinner. I am trying hard not to think about “should” — I should do this or that, or this isn’t the way things should be, and all that. I am also trying hard not to pressure myself to be involved with Amy. My goal for today is just to be able to be in the same house for a while. I’m also trying not to think about how awful all of this sounds.
Mark is attempting to help the baby stay awake more during the day and sleep more at night. Who knows if she’s ready to start any kind of scheduling, but right now I’m not the one making those decisions. Shortly after I got here, she woke up when I went into the bedroom and opened the shade (loud sudden noise), not realizing she was in her crib — although she might have been about to wake up anyway. They changed and fed her and tried to keep her roused, then gave up and put her down in here in her basket. Of course then she stayed awake. I felt bad about her being awake with no one interacting with her, so I got a book and read to her — I got through most of The Giving Tree before she started crying and I asked them to come get her.
I like The Giving Tree. I think I remember hearing that Shel Silverstein wrote it to explain what the Gospel meant to him. It is a great illustration of the sacrificial love of Christ. So is the amazing (astounding) outpouring of support I’ve had. It feels wonderful, a tiny wonderful in the midst of all the awful. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone as well as so many people are loving me right now.
Hi, Marcy.
I’m glad you got some respite from the pressures you feel. And I’m glad the time in the hospital was helpful. It’s also good you have a plan. Don’t worry about getting it all understood. You will.
And don’t worry about the shoulds. We aren’t governed by shoulds anymore, but we’re governed by the love of God. He will see to it that you get and do what you need. I know it’s hard to let Him do that, but He will work that out. Just know He and all of us love you.
I was just thinking about how wonderfully creative and talented you are. You can’t be that creative without feeling things strongly, and that means those of us who are creative feels things strongly, good and bad. We feel things strongly in relation to our art, but it doesn’t stop there. If we are truly vulnerable, as we must be to feel as strongly as we do, and to let our art touch us the way it must, we feel things unrelated to our art just as strongly. So, what you are experiencing is normal for an artist, but you may feel things more strongly than some of us. This is not a bad thing, but it _is_ something that one must deal with, bring under God’s control, and through His control, ours. That’s not always easy for us. For many of us, it’s been a life-long struggle, but over time, we do make progress on it.
As we were told by our family counselor when our kids were much younger and at home, a person’s greatest strengths can also be their greatest problems/weaknesses. One friend puts it like this – our strengths are like pillars that hold up a building – they are necessary for the building to stand. But they are also the places where dirt gets built up the most. This is probably the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but finding your way through this is also probably one of the most important things you will ever do in life. And this isn’t a should – it’s simply what will happen by the grace of God.
You are a smart, perceptive, artistic, and loving person – and you know God. You can do this!
Know that we love you, God loves you, and that you are surrounded by love. May God manifest His prescence, love and power to and through you. We continue to pray.
Comment by Rick — December 2, 2006 @ 1:41 pm |
Rick had a great post Marcy, so I won’t try to add to it. Just know that we love you and are all praying for you. This is not an easy time but God will see you through it as He shelters you under His wings. God Bless.
Comment by Larry — December 2, 2006 @ 4:56 pm |