Sunday, Part I

One more reprieve before induction

Saturday night was not so great. I didn’t sleep well at all. On the other hand there was a Star Trek (original series) marathon on TV, and we watched three episodes.

At around 7:30 in the morning, a nurse came in to start me on Pitocin. Even though I knew this was bound to happen, I just wasn’t ready, and I felt sort of betrayed or abandoned that it was a nurse doing it — a stranger — instead of one of our midwives, who all knew how much I had wanted to avoid induction.

I was finishing a dose of penicillin, and wanted a shower and breakfast, so I asked if we could postpone the Pitocin for an hour, and the nurse said I had that right.

As I was finishing breakfast, Graham (one of the midwives) arrived and talked me through what the Pitocin would do. She said that effective contractions hurt, whether natural ones or induced ones — the important thing is that effective contractions get the cervix open. I was grateful to get this time to talk, ask questions, and be reassured, instead of someone just marching in and hooking up the drug.

Then Graham examined me, and found that most likely only one layer of membrane had ruptured the previous morning, and she suggested we artificially rupture the other layer and wait a little longer to see if labor would begin spontaneously. She still had her hands in place from the exam, probably for convenience for the artificial rupturing, but then she realized that she needed to get out of there to let me consider my decision carefully without that pressure and discomfort.

On the one hand, I still hated the thought of Pitocin, but on the other hand I was getting tired of waiting for spontaneous labor that seemed out of reach. Still, we decided to try the artificial rupture and see what happened. For one thing, spontaneous labor would mean I wouldn’t have to be tied to the monitor, so I’d have more comfort options during labor, like walking the halls, using the Jacuzzi, or sitting in the shower.

Funny, the exam really hurt, but going back in for the rupture didn’t bother me one bit. Maybe partly because Mark held my hand and kept eye contact with me through the procedure.

The wait was no fun. I did have some more contractions, and they did get more intense, but never fell into any regular, progressing pattern. I also got to feeling like I was trying too hard, again trying to will what can’t be willed.

Pitocin after all

Close to lunch Graham returned and talked me through Pitocin again. I let loose with all my fears, how unprepared I felt, how scared I was of pain and my ability to manage it, and how scared I was of drugs. She was a great listener, very reassuring and patient. We both wondered if I was somehow subconsciously preventing myself from going into labor, because of the intensity of my fears. When I asked what side effects Pitocin might have, she said that it’s chemically identical to the body’s own hormone, oxytocin, and the only side effect would be labor, and that such labor shouldn’t be any different from spontaneous labor.

Somewhere in the lunch hour we started it, and at 12:50 I wrote in my journal: “So… here we are on Pitocin after all, and maybe it won’t be so bad. Now I can transfer from ‘fear of induction’ to ‘fear of labor’… heh heh.”

(Is it any surprise that I’m dealing with anxiety and panic after the birth, when I had so much before it, too? Just nothing beforehand was this intense; I can only remember a few times in my life where I felt so lost in a black hole, spiraling out of control.)