Endure

Allen at AllenReloaded has an interesting pair of posts exploring self-esteem and assertiveness in the church — or the lack there-of. My comments were so long I figured I ought to write something of my thoughts here.

Self-esteem (why do I so often write slef instead?)

I tend to extremes, but sometimes have a hard time holding both at once. Self-esteem is one example. I tend to either think I’m unlovely and difficult, the kind of person your church tells you you have to love in spite of all your natural repulsion, or else that I’m a genius, a person of true wisdom and understanding that few others possess, what normal should be, and so on. Spiritually, this translates to fears and suspicions that God’s wrath is personal repulsion, that he doesn’t like me very much, and that any love he has for me is not for me but for himself and what he has accomplished in me — his creation, his redemption, his glory, etc. Or spiritual arrogance and contempt for all those who “don’t get it.”

I think the proper Christian self-image needs to integrate. Our experience and self-reflection shows us truths about ourselves that are both positive and negative, and we also hear and tell ourselves lies about ourselves that are both positive and negative. What matters is not the positive or negative, but the truth. We are in fact sinners. We do in fact do things that we disapprove of, things that hurt us and hurt others, things that have no respect for God or his creation. However, this doesn’t make us worthless, because we are also bearers of God’s image. We do in fact love and forgive and exercise gifts and talents and skills and bless and make good use of resources. We do in fact seek God. (Without getting into the discussion of how we seek God — whether by free will or by his intervention — it’s still true that Christians do seek him). How we assess ourselves needs to integrate the truth — the positive and negative things that are true about us — while sifting through and discarding the lies, both positive and negative.

Assertiveness

A good deal of Scripture seems to require passivity on the part of Christians. Enduring. Not defending ourselves. Aggression is heartily discouraged. But does the Bible teach anything about assertiveness? Having and maintaining healthy boundaries? I’m not sure I can come up with any proof-texts, but I’m not convinced that my ideas are unbiblical…

I have a little theory about apparent passivity. I think people can endure and submit to and accept all sorts of nasty stuff for two different reasons. Some feel they don’t deserve any better, or they fear that something worse will happen if they resist. I call this sub-healthy — these folks haven’t integrated the positive part of their identity. They may not even really have a self. Other folks can endure from a position of strength and security. They know who they are, and they know who loves them and who is sovereign and who will destroy evil forever. I call this super-healthy.

In between is healthy behavior — the kind of thing most psychology teaches. Standing up for yourself, saying “no,” defending your rights, keeping your boundaries intact. Having a self. Knowing what you want and pursuing it. Being able to have intimate relationships with give and take, not just one or the other.

I don’t think it’s possible for Christians to learn super-healthy ways of living until they can live in healthy ways. Yeah, it gets messy and confusing, but I think it’s necessary.

(I suppose it’s also possible for sub-healthy people to look healthy — those people who have not integrated the negative part of their identity, who are overly aggressive, unable to respect others’ boundaries or consider their points of view. They might appear healthy because they are confident, successful, looking out for number 1. On the other hand they might appear sub-healthy but through aggression and violence rather than submission and endurance.)

When we do try to waive our rights, or submit to suffering — from strength and trust in God, not from self-hatred — we must be careful to call evil “evil” and not pretend it is good, even though good may result from our endurance.

I am more often reacting than acting, so I have a bit of a temptation to consider life and reality itself something to be endured. (I have SO MANY dreams where I am trying to observe what is going on and how I should respond.) I need to remember that I am a self and I have freedom to act sometimes. Hence I got a dulcimer.

Endurance also doesn’t mean never speaking up. I can speak up about how someone’s behavior makes me feel, what I would like them to do instead, and so on, as information rather than a demand. It’s information they need to know, especially if they are my friend or my family or my husband or a Christian. Offering that information is an act of trust, trusting that the other person wants to love me well. It’s also an offering of myself — an invitation to intimacy — which is necessary to any healthy relationship. Merely enduring is not relationship. Neither is merely demanding.